It is so important to distinguish the conversations your having about your life and relationships. Once you see your own behavioral styles and how your style might impact other people with opposite tendencies, then it gives you more power in the matter of choice – and the quality of your relationships. Some people think a happy relationship is a hard thing to develop – if they can even find someone to have a relationship with in the first place!
Is that a conversation you’ve heard in your head when the question of relationship comes up? Does it seem that the more you look, the harder it is to find that “perfect mate” or to have the “ideal relationship with the one you have already chosen?”
When we were very young, each of us made certain decisions about what a relationship is or at least should look like. We had all the role models we needed and as we grew. We would compare ourselves, each other, our family and other people against our childhood and teenage years, fantasy expectations, TV Sitcoms, Hollywood movie star images, Facebook and other social media posts and Madison Avenue “airbrushed” advertising hype.
Some of us are still caught up in our own past history and shattered dreams and expectations and we drag these into our present relationship to make ourselves “right” about how it should or shouldn’t be. This diminishes our chances of being present in our current one, don’t you think? Ever wonder why they call it, “Baggage?”
Get ready for successful relationship, because you deserve it!
Great, long-term relationships are possible only when they are built first on interest in our partner and when both people have a solid commitment to first being friends and understanding who they are and what they need.
STEP 1…Do you really want one?
If you are just starting a relationship with someone, you need to first take the time to get to know who YOU are – what you really want and need and how to ask for what you want, before committing to a permanent relationship. It is a fundamental truth that the better you know yourself and others, the better all your relationships will be and things will go much smoother.
Want to know what it will take? Whether you are just starting out or have been in a relationship for a while, make sure you are ready to move forward and that you are committed to making your relationship successful. Honestly and carefully prepare yourself for what is to come by getting to a place where you can answer “TRUE” to all of the following statements:
- I realize that it’s not too late for this relationship to work.
- It is reasonable for me to want a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.
- I am entitled to and deserve a high-quality, caring relationship.
- I have identified the wrong thinking and attitudes that have contaminated my previous relationships.
- I have embraced the values that will configure me for success.
- I have diagnosed and gotten real about the pain and problems in this relationship or that have potential to be there.
- I accept and acknowledge full ownership of my contribution to where this relationship is.
- I am committed to tapping into my core of consciousness and looking at it through the lens of a Personal Profile of both my own and my partner’s style.
- If you can fully endorse each one of these statements with a resounding “True,” then you’re ready to move forward and make a relationship work.
STEP 2… What do you know about YOU?
Once you can uncover the unconscious thoughts that may be driving your current pictures of “reality,” you will begin to see how to clearly ask for what you really want. Only then can you start to create the magic by asking for what you really want with and from others in your life.
If you don’t think it’s possible, then I would ask, “Who told you that story?” “Did you buy into it? And if so, how long do you want to suffer by holding on to it?” It doesn’t have to be that way? Would you like to know why?
Successful relationships, as well as success in any area of your life, begins within you! (Yes, with YOU. And the most important time to take responsibility for your part in your unhappiness is right now!) Repeat after me… “It is my responsibility to be happy with myself. I am happy with me.”
Just because the subject is “relationships” and maybe you can’t seem to find someone else who really appreciates you, doesn’t mean that no one is perfect – especially you!” What successful couples all over the world have found is that the more they love and appreciate themselves, doing and asking for what is best for them, others have found it easier to live with and love them!
Does that seem radical? Did you think that being in a great relationship means “finding” the right person so that you can finally live the “happily ever after” life?
Here’s something to think about… Until you are attractive to yourself – within your own heart and mind – it will be very difficult for others to love you enough to satisfy you completely. I know, for some of you it sounds a bit weird, but until you love YOU, warts and all, then you’ll never be enough. Let me say it another way. Remember the statement, “What you see is what you get!” Life is a mirror. We get more of what we focus on. Does that ring a bell?
Once you can learn to admire and appreciate yourself – all of your unique qualities, your talents, your choices in the past, how you look to yourself and don’t look – and once you see what you have to offer to other people in your life, THEN you will become irresistible to others!
It is true. This feeling creates energy about you that others seek and actually need. And once you clearly know what you are looking for – what you really, really want in a partner – then you become a magnet that attracts others who are looking for you. Yep as Mike Dooley writes in his book, Beginner’s Guide to the Universe, “don’t be afraid to go where you’ve never gone and do what you’ve never done, because both are necessary to have what you’ve never had and to be who you’ve never been”.
Why? Because you’ll be BEING those very qualities you seek. This is what the person seeking those qualities is looking for to and will recognize and be attracted to them in you as well. Sound simple? Well, we’ll see! For some people it isn’t that it isn’t easy; the challenge always is getting them to see how great they really are!
How about you? Do you recognize the gift that you are? Or do you tend to focus on self-critical nonsense that keeps you in a state of “I’m not enough, Poor me. No one will like me, much less love me!” Here’s my suggestion. Leave the negative stuff behind!
Here’s some tips to shift these thoughts into ones that will create a relationship that is loving and just might last. I’m not going to paint a picture that is all roses and chocolates here, because ultimately it’s up to you with what you do with these tips. Having been married for over 32 years I know they work, so come on give them a go, you deserve it!
Tips for creating relationships that last
- Take responsibility for your actions, and be willing to forgive yourself.
- Be willing to have those difficult conversations without, justifying your actions or laying blame.
- Learn to debate with yourself, by confronting those negative thoughts that support the self-doubt, poor me or I’m not enough comments you make to yourself. Say “that’s one way of looking at it, what’s another way?”
- Feelings are your friends, so feel them in a positive way that supports you and others. It’s very difficult to repress your feelings all day and then go home to your partner and be loving.
- Take time out to process your thoughts or feelings when you’re feeling angry or sad Pounding a pillow might work for some, or exercising is great for others.
- Understand the needs and emotions that are driving your behavior and the behavior of your partner and be willing to adapt. I recommend taking a DISC online assessment ( read Blog #1). Or click here: http://bit.ly/DISC-Self-Report-and-Guide
- Be happy without a partner as sometimes this is the fasted way to attract one.
- Make a list of at least 5 of your unique qualities or attributes – those things others would say show up when YOU enter the room. Yes, you know those ones that people often comment on, like you are patient, you are kind, you think creatively or…
I would love to hear some of your comments about what has changed or happened in your life by applying these tips. I know it took me a few years to finally understand that my hubby really enjoyed coming home from work to a hot cuppa and a chat with me. When he arrived home I was always busy preparing dinner early, folding the washing and doing other tasks, because I like to do things ahead of time. Now we sit down together, share and sip a great cuppa and life is sweet. I chose to adapt, and yes I survived and everything got done on time! Mm I think my next Blog will be about ways to keep your ideal partner once you’ve found them…and remember “may all your relationships be magnificent!”